God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Ok. How many walls have you seen this on? I first saw this prayer on a plaque with 5 too many coats of polyurethane on it in my granny's bathroom. I saw it in almost every senior citizen Sunday school room at church. I saw it in e-mails of people who had lost someone or had been diagnosed with some horrid form of cancer. So, I thought this was the old or terminally ill person's prayer. And not the spry or optimistic old or ill people. The sad, lonely ones with no hope, who just want to suck everyone else into their vortex. Needless to say, I did not think this prayer was for me. I'm a mid-twenties happily married mother of two beautiful children. I'm fine.
Well, a few weeks ago I realized I wasn't fine. I was in a house with 3 of the most loving people you will every find, and I was sad and lonely. Hold up. Did I just admit that I was one of those people from the previous paragraph? Yes. Yes I did.
You see, my state of mind had nothing to do with the people around me. I hadn't gone through a traumatic loss of a family member. We weren't suffering a sudden financial crisis. Nope. Through fleshing this out in a very hard convo with my husband (not that he made it hard, it was just hard to air all these emotions out), I realized I'd put myself into this spot I was in. I'd allowed some wants and selfish desires to fester in my head and in my heart, and I hadn't made any efforts to treat or heal these self-inflicted "wounds". I was taking blame for things that I was never blamed for, creating scenarios that weren't currently playing out, and harboring desires for things that I "should" want.
We live in the coun-try. We do not own our home and land. My husband drives 45 minutes to work. We can't walk out of our front door onto a sidewalk and stroll to our bestie's house. In fact, I don't know a single person's name that lives within a 3 mile radius.
Sob. Story. Right? I know. I can't even count how many times a day these things had been running through my head. I mean, I grew up in the country. I'm used to this way of life. Why am I whining? Then I realized...I'd gotten all wrapped up in the "American Dream". You know. The thing we're taught to want from birth...the dream of owning my own home, driving a nice car, grilling out with my nuclear-family neighbors weekly, and having my kids in the most expensive and highest ranked schools around. Yeah, you knew which dream I was talking about, didn't ya? Well, this dream had consumed my thought life. This is a dream that I never really envisioned myself pursuing as a youth. In fact, this is not really a dream I desire to flesh out in my current state of life. But, because I believed this lifestyle would make all of our lives "easier", I decided I should strive and strive to begin to make this dream a reality for my family.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe any of the things I've listed in the "dream" are actually wrong. However, I do believe the "love of" and the "lusting over" the dream are. I had to do a major gut check. I was soooo enamored with the thought of having some of these things, I'd almost convinced myself that they were feasible with our current income and in this stage of live. That's soooo very dangerous. You know how you think a thought for long enough, and it eventually seems like a reality, even though it most definitely is not?
I was over-thinking everything. "We're just out here on this land because of my family", "If we just lived closer to his work, we'd spend more time together", "If I could just have a neighborhood to walk through, I'd be able to exercise more", "If we had neighbors with younger kids and more in common, we'd be much happier". Here's the thing. All of those thoughts may be true. Here's the problem...I wasn't leaving any room for God's will in any of those thoughts. I wasn't giving God any room to move or any credit for the absolutely blessed life we currently live. I wasn't thinking about how living here is less expensive than anywhere else we could possible live, and it's because of the lessened financial burden, I am able to stay home with my babies. I wasn't looking at the lack of friends around me as a chance to stretch myself when I am in social situations. Oh, and here's the biggie. I wasn't thinking that maybe God doesn't want us tied down to a mortgage and lots of nice things because He doesn't want us too comfortable where we are. Whoa. That's a little scary. Crazy enough, a couple of days after this realization, several members of our church spoke about things like "just feeling the need to down-size and keep life simple because they knew big things were in store for them, and they knew they needed to be ready and mobile for when their time came to make that move." That just hit me in my very core. What if all of this was God's will?
What? Did you just say "what if" when it comes to God's will? Come on. I know I'm not the only one who has overlooked, questioned, or just flat out ignored the will and hand of God in my life. I started thinking about all the puzzle pieces in my life that just seemed odd, disjointed, and impossible to connect, and I broke. All the things that the world has seen as unfair and horrible in our life, God intended for good. It was because of Brandon's gloomy medical diagnosis that we decided to conceive at such an early age. Now we're the young, happy parents of two precious gifts. It's also because of our trials with his health that we don't have the squeaky credit necessary to procure our dream house and live "well", and I consider that a blessing because we have learned so much from living paycheck to paycheck and frugally. It's really hard to swallow that God would allow my husband to suffer in order to ground us and give us perspective, but I'm so certain that's what happened.
It's so easy to forget about all of the other characteristics of God when "love" is the one stressed to us so often. God knows us. He knows that for us to be moldable and willing we had to be broken....over and over. That doesn't sound like the "Jesus loves me" God, does it? But it is, and that's what I have to tell myself regularly to keep things in perspective. I've had to realize that different people are in different spiritual seasons in life. God has a perfect plan for us, but it is soooo incredibly easy to mess it all up with our "human-ness".
Whew. This girl has this whole situation under control now, right? I mean, it sounds like she's worked all this out in her head and heart, and she knows what she's doing and where God's taking her, right? Well, that would be a big, fat negative. I soooo don't have things figured out. I will think horrible things before the day is over, and I will, for the gazillionth time, want something even though I know it's not God's will for me in this season of life. I'm human..I'm sinful. I'm just glad He cares enough about me to slow me down long enough for me to process and see His plan...even when He already knows I'll start trying to make changes to the blueprint before this blog has posted.
So, I end with the title of this post. It's from a song I bought the performance track to, but never sang in church. I think it's because the lyrics are hard for me to swallow. It's so hard for me to be still...I can't remember all of the lyrics, but these are the ones I find playing through my head occasionally. (Update: Just found song on You Tube...was looking for the wrong name when I tried finding it last night/this morning)
***Found all of the lyrics...just can't stop with the chorus.
"Still" by Watermark
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me
Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still
Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you
Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still
La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still
We live in the coun-try. We do not own our home and land. My husband drives 45 minutes to work. We can't walk out of our front door onto a sidewalk and stroll to our bestie's house. In fact, I don't know a single person's name that lives within a 3 mile radius.
Sob. Story. Right? I know. I can't even count how many times a day these things had been running through my head. I mean, I grew up in the country. I'm used to this way of life. Why am I whining? Then I realized...I'd gotten all wrapped up in the "American Dream". You know. The thing we're taught to want from birth...the dream of owning my own home, driving a nice car, grilling out with my nuclear-family neighbors weekly, and having my kids in the most expensive and highest ranked schools around. Yeah, you knew which dream I was talking about, didn't ya? Well, this dream had consumed my thought life. This is a dream that I never really envisioned myself pursuing as a youth. In fact, this is not really a dream I desire to flesh out in my current state of life. But, because I believed this lifestyle would make all of our lives "easier", I decided I should strive and strive to begin to make this dream a reality for my family.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't believe any of the things I've listed in the "dream" are actually wrong. However, I do believe the "love of" and the "lusting over" the dream are. I had to do a major gut check. I was soooo enamored with the thought of having some of these things, I'd almost convinced myself that they were feasible with our current income and in this stage of live. That's soooo very dangerous. You know how you think a thought for long enough, and it eventually seems like a reality, even though it most definitely is not?
I was over-thinking everything. "We're just out here on this land because of my family", "If we just lived closer to his work, we'd spend more time together", "If I could just have a neighborhood to walk through, I'd be able to exercise more", "If we had neighbors with younger kids and more in common, we'd be much happier". Here's the thing. All of those thoughts may be true. Here's the problem...I wasn't leaving any room for God's will in any of those thoughts. I wasn't giving God any room to move or any credit for the absolutely blessed life we currently live. I wasn't thinking about how living here is less expensive than anywhere else we could possible live, and it's because of the lessened financial burden, I am able to stay home with my babies. I wasn't looking at the lack of friends around me as a chance to stretch myself when I am in social situations. Oh, and here's the biggie. I wasn't thinking that maybe God doesn't want us tied down to a mortgage and lots of nice things because He doesn't want us too comfortable where we are. Whoa. That's a little scary. Crazy enough, a couple of days after this realization, several members of our church spoke about things like "just feeling the need to down-size and keep life simple because they knew big things were in store for them, and they knew they needed to be ready and mobile for when their time came to make that move." That just hit me in my very core. What if all of this was God's will?
What? Did you just say "what if" when it comes to God's will? Come on. I know I'm not the only one who has overlooked, questioned, or just flat out ignored the will and hand of God in my life. I started thinking about all the puzzle pieces in my life that just seemed odd, disjointed, and impossible to connect, and I broke. All the things that the world has seen as unfair and horrible in our life, God intended for good. It was because of Brandon's gloomy medical diagnosis that we decided to conceive at such an early age. Now we're the young, happy parents of two precious gifts. It's also because of our trials with his health that we don't have the squeaky credit necessary to procure our dream house and live "well", and I consider that a blessing because we have learned so much from living paycheck to paycheck and frugally. It's really hard to swallow that God would allow my husband to suffer in order to ground us and give us perspective, but I'm so certain that's what happened.
It's so easy to forget about all of the other characteristics of God when "love" is the one stressed to us so often. God knows us. He knows that for us to be moldable and willing we had to be broken....over and over. That doesn't sound like the "Jesus loves me" God, does it? But it is, and that's what I have to tell myself regularly to keep things in perspective. I've had to realize that different people are in different spiritual seasons in life. God has a perfect plan for us, but it is soooo incredibly easy to mess it all up with our "human-ness".
Whew. This girl has this whole situation under control now, right? I mean, it sounds like she's worked all this out in her head and heart, and she knows what she's doing and where God's taking her, right? Well, that would be a big, fat negative. I soooo don't have things figured out. I will think horrible things before the day is over, and I will, for the gazillionth time, want something even though I know it's not God's will for me in this season of life. I'm human..I'm sinful. I'm just glad He cares enough about me to slow me down long enough for me to process and see His plan...even when He already knows I'll start trying to make changes to the blueprint before this blog has posted.
So, I end with the title of this post. It's from a song I bought the performance track to, but never sang in church. I think it's because the lyrics are hard for me to swallow. It's so hard for me to be still...I can't remember all of the lyrics, but these are the ones I find playing through my head occasionally. (Update: Just found song on You Tube...was looking for the wrong name when I tried finding it last night/this morning)
***Found all of the lyrics...just can't stop with the chorus.
"Still" by Watermark
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me
Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still
Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you
Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still
La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still
It's so hard, but I want to just be still in His plan, and I want to be sure that when I move, we are both moving in the same direction.
